I'm not perfect
by Invisible girl05
Summary: The world is falling down all around her and she's finding it harder than ever to hold onto the control she needs in her life. Nobody is perfect but Clare is not willing to accept that without a fight.
1. Chapter 1

**Clare was never supposed to be that girl, the one with the eating disorder, but unfortunately life doesn't always turn out as planned.**

She can remember the first time she starved herself, this time wasn't intentional, it was a Thursday. Clare had woken up to her parents screaming at each other about this and that and instead of listening she went out of the house.

Then she had ran into Eli before lunch and she couldn't stand to see him smirk but still need to give him more time. She spent the lunch period in the bathroom crying about how much she wanted Eli to be ready to be with her.

"Do you wanna go on a diet with me?" Alli asked while the two girls sat together on the bleachers, waiting for their gym class to begin. "I think I've gained weight! My favorite jeans wouldn't button this morning!"

Clare looked at her friend in slight shock. Clare always thought that Alli had the perfect body and was slightly envious of her curvaceous figure. If Clare dieted she would finally be in control of something in her life, her weight. " I'd love too Alli. I think I've definitely gained weight this year, especially since my parents started fighting and my mom stopped cooking dinner."

Alli smiled brilliantly at her best friend " Come over tonight and we'll work out the perfect plan and you can spend the night away from your parents."

The girls were sprawled across Alli's bed later that night as magazines laid strewn in front of them, along with calorie counters, and a sports training book Alli took from Sav's bedroom.

"Okay let's not look at these anymore because I'm getting depressed." Alli scowled deeply as they looked at a beautiful bikini model.

" Do you think Eli likes girls that look like her? I've seen a picture of Julia, Alli and she was beautiful! What are we going to do?"

Alli sighed deeply but pulled out a notebook. " So based on what we learned in biology we need to burn 3500 calories to lose a pound. I think we should aim to burn 7000 calories a week."

Clare bit her lower lip, thinking that maybe starving herself would be a good idea. " Alright so let's jog during free period everyday and then after school we can hit the weight room."

The girls smiled and were very excited to get the perfect bodies.

The dieting was going well and within two weeks Clare had lost six pounds and Alli had lost three in a half. Clare didn't tell her best friend that she had only been eating a yogurt, twenty baby carrots, and fifteen grapes a day because she knew it was wrong, but seeing the numbers on the scale made her so happy.

Out of the blue Darcy called and announced that she would be home in three weeks. She told Clare that she missed her, that she had been accepted at Tu for the winter semester, and that she and Peter had been talking again. Clare was happy that her big sister was returning but she always felt second best to her , always. Darcy was the pretty one, the perfect christian , and most importantly the thin one. Clare knew what she had to do and that was to lose ten pounds before Darcy returned for good in three weeks.

" You look kinda sick."Eli pointed out one day in English class when the misfits were working on a project. "Is everything going okay at home?" he asked worriedly.

"Yeah Clare what's up with you?" Adam added as he saw the circles around her eyes and the sickly hue her skin seemed to take on.

" Boys I'm fine. I just haven't gotten that much sleep lately because my sister, Darcy, she's coming home in a little more than two weeks and I'm busy getting our room back together. "

Adam patted her arm and gave her a soft smile "So basically you're just worrying yourself sick?"

" No. I'm just aiming for perfection." Those words sent a cold chill up Adam's spine, he knew Clare and he knew she wouldn't stop until things were exactly as she wanted them. He wasn't sure exactly what was going on but he knew for sure that something was not right.

Alli was getting tired of the dieting,she had never thought it would last this long and she surely didn't think that Clare should lose any more weight. The only problem with Clare was that she would not settle for anything less than perfect. "You look so amazing Clare. I think we should stop all this craziness. I mean I totally think we should still run everyday but I think all this dieting can stop."

Clare's head snapped around to look at her friend " You look fantastic Alli but you didn't have to lose as much weight as I did and I'm not ready to quit yet. I really want to lose five more pounds and then I'll stop."

Alli was worried about her friend but Clare was smarter than to do something potentially dangerous, wasn't she? " Just promise you went get too skinny on me Clarebear.

Darcy was home when she got in from school later that day and she looked even more beautiful than she ever had, her skin was the perfect golden brown and her smile was blinding. "Clare I have missed you so much." The girl told her sister as she gave her a tight hug. " You've changed so much!"

Clare couldn't help the envy that creeped into her when she saw just how thin her sister looked. Why couldn't she be thin? Why did she have to starve herself and work out until she almost passed out? " I've missed you too Darce!"

Darcy ruffled her sister' short curls " Why don't we make some Mac and cheese like old times and watch Gossip Girl?"

Clare nodded stiffly, not at all wanting to eat the macaroni. She would eat though, her sister had always made her feel better by being there, maybe this would actually help her.

The macaroni didn't help in fact it made Clare sick. After they had finished their food Peter came over and the two went upstairs while Clare ran to the bathroom. That night was the first time she purged and the first time she learned a dirty little secret she could eat in front of everyone she just needed to make sure she could get rid of it.

Hello readers! I really wanted to write a story where Clare was the girl with an eating disorder. I know that Clare may not appear to be the type but trust me when I say that an eating disorder has no preferences it is more than willing to take over any person's mind. I hope you enjoy this story and please tell me if I should continue. Thank you all so much.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you so much for the reviews :) I hope everyone enjoys this chapter. This story is meant to be choppy and put together in pieces. Also The journal entry is supposed to be incoherent because Clare is not in the right mind set.

Her parents had decided to get a divorce and she could feel herself getting lost in an abyss. The darkness consumed her and she went to the only place in her life where she had a voice, her consumed her life and counting calories became the only thing she did after need to stay in control was almost too much to handle and eating or the lack there of was a way of staying in control. The mirror told her she wasn't good enough and she listened. The mirror pointed out all of her imperfections and she hated that and she hated herself for looking the way that she did.

"Clare what the hell is going on with you?" Eli asked a little more harshly than he probably should of but Clare was acting so weird, much weirder than normal, and he was starting to get worried.

"My parents are getting a divorce. Now if you don't mind I have to get to the library and do some studying." Clare shouted, slamming her locker door shut and trying but failing to get away from Eli.

When Eli grabbed Clare's arm he let a gasp escape his lips, she was skin and bone. The thick sweater she was wearing was clearly hiding just how skinny she truly was. " Clare can we get some lunch, please?"

Of course Clare agreed, after all she could purge what she had eaten later.

The Dot wasn't as crowded as it usually was on a Wednesday Afternoon and for that Eli was grateful, perhaps Clare would be more willing to open up about what was going on with he

"You know if there's anything going on you can tell me." Eli spoke softly, uncertainly, note here sure what it was he was supposed to say in a situation like this.

Clare knew what she had to do and that was to push him away. " You. Eli you're part of the reason that I've been so stressed out. I keep thinking about how much time you'll need?I worry that I'm not giving you enough space or maybe I'm giving you too much. I keep thinking that maybe you never wanted time in the beginning but maybe you just didn't like me. I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I can't focus on anything because for some god damn reason I've fallen for you. I'm sorry but I just, I have to go."

To say that the goth boy y was shocked when Clare stormed out of the Dot in a fit of curls and tears would be an understatement. Was Clare really working herself into frailty because of him?

When you're a kid, you don't think about what size you are, the numbers on the scale, or the image the mirror shows you. When you're a kid it's about the wind in your hair and the sun in your face, and the freedom to make any choice you so choose. Clare missed being free and not having to worry about divorces or looking beautiful. Clare missed the large stack of pancakes on Sunday mornings and the buttery popcorn on Friday night sleepovers but most importantly she missed the memories that came along with them. She missed running down the street like the world was chasing her. Now, she ran like pounds were after her and it didn't feel the same.

Every night she wrote in her journal :

I woke up like normal this morning at four thirty and jogged a mile because it has become so regular in my morning routine. I ate an apple and I drank some water and it felt right. Then I went upstairs and I caught myself in the mirror and I want to vomit. I looked like a cow, with fat hanging everywhere and I wanted to cut it off. The scale is a liar and I won't be using it anymore. The scale showed a 97 the other day ,but it's a liar because at 97 pounds I would look beautiful and I look ginormous. I feel disgusting.

The days feel like they're getting longer and longer. I don't like the feeling. I only want to sleep and I long for the end of the day when I can finally shut my eyes and go off into the darkness.

Darcy has taken to watching me. I can feel her eyes on me at all times and it makes me nervous. I wish she'd mind her own business and focus on school or Peter but she just seems too focused on me.

Clare shuts her journal and puts it under her pillow so no one will read it while she takes a break in the land of her dreams.

The morning comes too early and she can hear the tick-tock of the grandfather clock and it's enough to make her realize what her life has come to. Her life has become sneaking around in the quiet and hearing the clock chime too ensure she'll have enough time to workout. The morning is peaceful but Clare is not. The running is hard, her breathing doesn't come out of her body like it should and her frail body protests the movements and she's begging her body not to give up on her. The body who had never once given up on her could barely give in to her demands, she was on the verge of collapse but she just kept pushing it further away. What didn't kill her would make her stronger, right? Wrong.

" Mom?" Adam Torres questioned as the Torres family made their way to school that morning. " If a very good friend has something going on but is being super secretive how do you approach them?"

Drew looked at his little brother strangely because for all he knew Eli was fine but something was definitely going on with that Clare Edwards girl she looked like a zombie all the time. " What's going on with Clare?"

" Is there something wrong with Clare?" Audra Torres asked her son.

Adam nodded silently. " There are some things going on at home with her and I don't know what to do for her. Do you think she could spend the night tonight?"

Audra knew that Clare was an incredibly sweet girl and in some ways she imagined her to be the daughter she had always wanted Adam to be, if something was going on with this girl she would try her best to help. "Of course she can Adam. Dad and I are going out of town for the weekend so Drew please don't torture the poor girl okay."

Clare was standing at her locker when Adam approached and she nearly hopped out of her skin when she felt his hands on her.

"It's just me Clare." He smiled and turned her around to face him. " My parents are going away this weekend and I want you to spend the night!" When she looked at him uncertainly he practically begged, " Please Clare, I don't want to be alone with Drew."

Clare bite her bottom lip worriedly " Sure Adam. I'll have Darcy drop me off later."

He grabbed her arm and led her to their biology class.


	3. Chapter 3

Lastchapter? Tell me what you think :) Thank you fo the reviews :)

**"Darcy," Clare asked hesitantly as she tried to get her sister's attention, " Can you drive me over to Adam's for the weekend?"**

Darcy hesitated because she honestly wasn't sure if her little sister should be away from home for the entire weekend. Clare was starving herself and her older sister knew but how could she approach her, that was the hard part. " I guess I can Clare-Bear. I just want us to talk when you get back alright?"

" Sure." Clare smiled softly.

Adam had gotten everything ready for Clare's weekend stay. The pullout couch was made up of warm blankets and soft pillows and there were DVDs everywhere, but no food as of right now because he didn't want to freak his best friend out.

" What are you doing dude?" Drew asked when he saw the basement.

Adam rolled his eyes because Drew's memory sucked, " Clare's spending the weekend here and you are going to be on your best behavior."

Drew scrunched his face up at Adam because he had never once been rude to Clare, he barely even talked to her at all. " I promise to hide in my bedroom all night alright?"

Clare got out of Darcy's car, carrying her huge bag as she went up to the Torres House.

"So glad to have you Clare." Adam smiled happily as he pulled his small friend into his arms. "We're going to occupy the basement , Drew refuses to leave."

They cuddled onto the couch Adam holding Clare close. " Can I ask you something?"

Clare bit her bottom lip, nervous as to what her best friend was going to tell her but nodded all the same.

"Have you been starving yourself?" Adam asked softly, looking into the deep blue eyes. " You can tell me the truth I promise I will never judge you Clare."

It wasn't about him judging her because she'd been judging herself more harshly than anyone else ever could. If she didn't tell someone what was going on with her soon she was going to crash and burn and she couldn't do that, not now. " I never meant for it to go this far Adam. "

"Just try to make me understand Clare."

" Everything in my life was falling apart and I didn't understand what was happening around me. I just wanted to be in control of something, but now it has control of me."

Adam knew what the need for control was like, probably better than anyone else, when he was Gracie he would always resort to burning himself. Clare wasn't supposed to have the emotional scars like he did. Clare was good, Clare was pure, Clare would never intentionally hurt any person but she would hurt herself.

" Listen to me Clare Edwards," Adam grabbed her by the shoulders and looked into the ice blue eyes "you told me that I was good enough, that I didn't have to change. I love you Clare and I wish you could see what I did ,that you are so incredibly beautiful."

Clare wiped her eyes and looked into the hazel eyes in front of her, " Adam I don't want to do this anymore."

If Clare was asking for help Adam wasn't going to deny her but he had no idea how to help her, he was after all a fifteen year old boy. " Do you want to speak to a therapist about it or maybe that guidance counselor at school?"

" I can't talk about it to anyone but you A-" Clare froze as she was speaking with Adam, she had just remember an old friend of her sister's who had suffered from anorexia. " I know who I can talk to Adam."

"That's good Clare, that's really good."

Clare smiled and squeezed his hand gently, " I have to apologize to Eli. I was a little rude and I think I hurt his feelings Adam but I didn't mean to."

Clare was like a little sister and Adam couldn't help but ruffle her hair. " We've been talking for a while he isn't mad just worried ClareBear, we both are."

Clare smiled for what felt like the first time in weeks, "What do you want to do right now?"

"Do you want to get something to eat? If you don't want to it's okay but I'm really hungry."

Eating was scary, giving up that control she had been holding on to was absolutely terrifying but she had to try something. " I can't make any promises but I'll try to eat something."

The friends walked up to the kitchen and Clare was slightly nervous when she saw Drew sitting there eating. Adam seemed to be babbling about some kind of chicken his mother had made and something about a pasta salad but Clare couldn't pay attention when Drew was looking at her like he was.

" Clare are you even listening to me!?" Adam huffed " Drew quit staring at her. Clare do you want Grilled Chicken and Pasta salad ?"

" Sure Adam."

Drew was watching her as she started to poke her food with the fork ,it looked appetizing but she was so afraid to gain weight or to lose the very little bit of perfection she thought she had.

"Are you going to eat that or just poke at it?" Drew asked, finally speaking to her.

Adam glared at his brother but gave his best friend an encouraging nod.

For the first time in weeks Clare ate a meal and she was surprised when her world didn't crash down all around her. The problems she had were not cured she still didn't feel good about eating a meal and not purging , but she did feel stronger and she would get through this.

Adam was snoring and Clare could not sleep. The girl found Drew in the living room watching tv and eating what appeared to be a ginormous bowl of ice cream. "Do you mind if I sit here with you, Adam is snoring."

Drew let out a chuckle but motioned for her to sit next to him on the large sofa. He turned to look at his brother's best friend, " The titanic is on and I'm watching so don't tell anybody."

"I won't." She whispered leaning her head back to get more comfortable.

The y watched the movie in comfortable silence for a while before a commercial cam on and Drew hit mute, turning to look at Clare." So do you really not think you're not beautiful?" he asked looking her directly in the eyes, this was a serious question and he wanted a serious answer.

"No, girls like my older sister and Alli are pretty girls."

Drew looked at her deeply " I think you're crazy. I think you're one of the prettiest girls at Degrassi. I think you're the type of girl that doesn't need to wear mini skirts or a lot of makeup to be beautiful because you just are. I really like Alli and she's beautiful but you're a quiet kind of beauty like a sunset."

Clare couldn't help but blush even if she didn't believe what Drew had to say, "That's really nice Drew."

Drew smirked at her and reached over to ruffle her auburn curls, "It's the truth kiddo."

" I'm only a year younger than you and Adam 's in the same grade."

" Adam considers you his little sister so by association that makes you my little sister."

Maybe Alli had been so wrong about Drew after all. Drew was a straightforward person and didn't care if he offended anyone, that was a trait that Clare did not have and certainly wished she could possess.

They talked for a few hours and Drew promised to be the best older brother that she never had and she was incredibly grateful. They both fell asleep on the sofa with Clare's feet near Drew's chest and Drew's feet near Clare's face.

When they woke up in the morning Clare said she would be gone for a few hours but she promised to be back that night. The boys were reluctant to let her go but they wanted her to speak with whoever it was that would help her overcome her disease.

The house was charming with it's blue shutters and bright red door it felt like a home and Clare couldn't help but feel happy for the couple that lived inside. Hesitantly she knocked on the door biting her nails and hopping that her sister's old acquaintance would be willing to help her.

" Little Clare Edwards can that be you?" A familiar voice asked pulling open the door to get a good look at the little Edwards.


End file.
